Attain Inner Peace - Let Go Of Expectations

Detachment & Self-Control

Recently, I’ve made a very important realization that could change your life forever if you’re able to understand it and really put it to practice. I’ve always been impressed by inner virtues such as self-control, moderation of the mind, inner peace etc., and also understood that certain philosophies and religions, perhaps Buddhism being the most prominent example, teach us that we should let go of desire.

What does that even mean, this “letting go of desire”. It seemed to be such a big deal in those teachings. It could be stated that this implies renunciation, a detachment from the results of one’s own actions. So far so good. Still, I never quite understood how this inner detachment attitude correlated with my beloved virtue of self-control. My mind was looking for a way to figure out what this would entail practically in everyday life. And then, one day, the realization struck me like lightning after a long period of reflecting.

Let me explain…

Desire Leads to Expectations

We are in this world to act. That’s the nature of our bodies. In fact, every move, every wink, every breath or eye contact already communicates to the world. We are in a constant way of acting. It should thus be easy to recognize that the above mention of  independence from one 's desires cannot have anything to do with a refusal to act. This cannot be, as acting lies in our nature. Therefore, it must be detachment from something else. And what is that something else? It’s the attachment to the fruits of one’s actions which is to be renounced.

What is it then, this “attachment to the fruits of one’s actions”? Well, that simply means… EXPECTATIONS. It’s against expectations that philosophical and moral teachings such as Buddhism turn against, not the actions themselves. If you wish to live a morally pure and untroubled life, you need to let go of expectations. That’s what is meant by “letting go of desire”. Desire creates expectations. Two of them are intertwined, as an object of desire automatically creates an expectation to get that object to enjoy it. However, what happens if you don’t get or don’t achieve your object of desire, if your efforts are frustrated?

That’s where the realization between “letting go” and self-control hit me.

Nature of Selfishness

The key to understanding those inner relationships of vice and virtue is the realisation that attachment and expectations are ultimately selfish. Expectation itself implies that you… well… EXPECT to get something in return for your action or effort, because you define yourself as a body, a unit of matter. And you wish to benefit that small unit that you define as yourself.

However, if we define that the goal of human psychological development is the unfoldment of mental and emotional faculties - that which we commonly call soul or spirit - then it becomes obvious to me that the true goal for a human development is to become selfless and compassionate, which in turn implies not expecting anything for oneself, but doing the right thing only because it is right, regardless of whether you gain something for your action in return. And that’s, my friend, is detachment.

Embracing the Unknown

So far so good. We defined what renunciation / letting go / detachment mean. But still, how does that relate to self-control in daily life?

The answer came to me one day while staying in Thailand with my fiancee, trying to sort out the necessary documents for our wedding, waiting for important feedback from many places, sorting out from afar many issues I left behind in Germany, working remotely, calling with lawyers, and many other more or less mundane things. I felt like waiting for a desired future which seemed so close, yet distant. I could describe the feeling as being mildly overwhelmed by the powerlessness I felt in the face of the unknown and unpredictable nature of time.I felt torn apart between worlds and the question arose in me: how would I react to all this existential uncertainty and little worries.

Free Will

I know we usually imagine external circumstances to have a direct impact on our moods. But if we are a little bit honest with ourselves, we have to admit that a huge chunk of negativity we carry inside, if not the entirety of it, really depends on how we react to external situations in thought, speech and action. If we just had a power to direct and influence the way we think, speak and act directly?

Wait a second… we really do - each of us within their own limits. If that’s truly the case, then this fact alone must imply that we are capable of self-control if we choose it, which in turn implies that we have the free will to decide how to think, speak and act. Quite importantly the freedom to choose our thoughts is crucial for answering the question on how self-control and letting-go of expectations correlate.

Selflessness in Practice

While pondering the question further, at a point I don’t even clearly remember, the following realization slowly dawned on me: the inner self-control and personal will power can totally lead to detachment from expectations and the results of one’s own actions.

If you still don’t quite get what I mean, see it this way: Whenever you consciously choose to react in a meaningful, positive, well-tempered, calm and constructive manner to a problem, conflict or a bothering situation, then this can truly be a SELFLESS act. Why? Because the mere act of choosing and maintaining self-control counteracts the automatic impulse to respond to an outside stimulus.

If you consider something as not going your way, then you’re basically not getting what you strive for. The obstacle in the way of your desire creates an inner discomfort, and that discomfort makes you react in an automatic, predictable, and usually negative way. Your personal likes - your desire - were counteracted. And those personal likes and dislikes are always rooted in a personal ego, which makes those impulses of desire SELFISH in their nature.

I hope you can slowly see the connections. If your desires or expectations are impeded in any way and you consciously decide to react positively to that frustration, then your conscious response comes not from desire, but from a very different place, namely: from a rational motive.

That’s where change really happens: making a decision based on a rational motive enables you to get over a selfish desire, and take a more objective decision that can truly benefit you and other people around. This rational decision can still be selfish - that depends on your true intentions in the end - but at least you are now able to transcend the automatic desire impulse. And that indeed can set you free, because you let go of the inner automatic impulse - you renounce it, and choose something else. That’s where the “letting go” happens, where attachment to desire breaks and personal freedom is attained. Renunciation, self-control and freedom are truly one and the same thing.

Life’s Core Lesson

You have the power to gain personal freedom one step at a time, not by big acts resulting in eternal Nirvana (although that’s advisable, too), but through daily little choices you make with regard to your fellow human beings - your family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers.

If during a certain pursuit of something you encounter problems or conflicts, then see it as a test, when the universe is knocking and asking you: will you choose your reaction in favor of a calm, meaningful and constructive impact, or will you lose temper and take the low ground by blindly following your automatic impulse?

Believe it or not, but this is the core lesson to master in life. If you can figure it out, it will completely change your everyday experience. You will become a radiating source of calmness and soothing inspiration for everyone, and especially for yourself - and this time you won’t have to worry whether it’s a selfish act or not.

There is only one you in the entire world anyway, wherever you look. Think about it. Then act like this.