Daily Challenges In Raising Children

Change starts with the adults and their lack of self-reflection can easily corrupt the development of a younger generation

There is hardly anything more important for a society than raising their children. The next generation is our future and the way we teach them to be is the way society is going to become. Children inherit our values and ideals. And they also inherit our stupidities. The more shocking it is to witness examples of how thoughtless people act when raising their offspring.

Layers of the Human Mind

First of all, small children reflect on what is happening. Of course their thinking deals with simple matters, such as “Why did mum say this and do that?” Children only start learning to think, so they begin with simple concepts, proceeding to more complex ones in later years.

Nonetheless, as parents it is crucial to take responsibility at all times, especially in the very early phases of a child’s development. That’s because the human mind develops in layers. You can use a simile of an onion skin. There’s a core, around which many layers of skin wrap around. The core of a personality unfolds in the earliest years of babyhood. It’s a phase during which primal trust is established between a baby and its environment. That’s why it’s essential that a newly born child grows up in an environment full of love and care.

We all know that, right? If that sounds so obvious, then why do we see thoughtless mothers yelling at children at playgrounds for trivial reasons. Why do we let children watch brutal movies? Why do we drink and smoke in front of them and then forbid exactly those things to our children? Because the right teaching methods are all so obvious, we easily forget them.

Being a Role Model

Children shouldn’t be confronted with contradictory reactions. They learn from the environment and they reflect on what is happening in their own ways, trying to make sense out of the world around them. If a child gets praised for something, but then another time it gets punished or ignored for exactly the same thing, the child will be confused because the behavior doesn’t make sense. This causes an unnecessary frustration at such a young, tender age. We unwittingly contribute to the corruption of a child's sense of integrity and orientation. If the adults’ reactions seem contradictory and random, we can’t expect our children to develop a better sense of judgement.

There are a myriad of such examples that underline our own inconsistencies. We forbid children to watch erotic content in magazines and films, but we don’t mind them watching violence in movies. One day, love and sex will be part of their own experience, but violence is something we want to avoid at all costs, right? So why do we shy away from ‘love’ content, but normalise violence in the media? Logically, this makes no sense. And yet, we never question it.

Another example is trying to teach children not to smoke or drink, while at the same time yielding to those behaviors as parents. Children might start to understand at some point that this behaviour is not desirable, even though their parents do it. But if you aren’t a role model in speech and deed, then you’re not in a position to have such big expectations from your children, either. Don’t you agree?

Creatures of Habit

Somewhere deep down, we all know that these are correct observations. But when we are pointed out the obvious errors in our own behaviour, we do the worst thing possible: we ignore these realisations by not doing anything at all and get on with our lives as usual. Why is that so? Why is it so hard to convince people to adopt new behaviours?

The reason is that if we are confronted with obvious and powerful realisations, we are also confronted with our egoistic pride. No one likes to be told off or scolded - at least that’s how we usually perceive it. You might discourage your child from smoking, but you painfully deny your own weakness in quitting smoking. Your will is too weak to overcome a bad habit, so you rather ignore the call to act.

It’s human nature to be a creature of habits. We don’t reflect much on ourselves and we don’t question old habits. That’s why we let children establish their own bad habits without our oversight.

Wellbeing of Society

What is the solution to this mental incapacity to change as parents and as human beings? The first thing is to realise that adults are always role models for children. If we don’t change our bad ways, we make it difficult for our children to adopt better behaviours. The best way is if the impulse to improve comes from the grown-ups. The most rudimentary way of learning is through direct observation and imitation. In this context we humans use our animal instincts to repeat and parrot things and behaviors. That’s how learning starts in the first place. That’s also how small children learn. They observe and repeat what they absorb with their growing minds.

It’s easy to recognize that setting a good example as an adult is crucial for a child’s development. If all of us as potential role models don’t live up to the task, then our children won’t adopt noble behaviours easily. You only sabotage the well-being of a society you’re living in by indulging in bad habits yourself. It’s like sawing off the branch you’re sitting on yourself. Eventually, you’re going to fall down and injure yourself.

Let’s realise that we ourselves have to start with basic self-improvement, before we can expect our youngest generation to grow into self-determined and more mature decision-makers. Children learn through observation and imitation, and what they cognize of their social environment will also condition their perception and the resulting behaviour.

That’s why we have to take care of what we let our children absorb through their senses and minds. Practically, that would imply as little of passive screen-gazing as possible and as much of self-initiated indoor and outdoor activities with parents and peers as possible. Let’s create the most desirable experiences for our children to learn about the world, so that they can grow as healthy, self-determined, compassionate and open-minded human beings.